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I was just reading Psalm 28:9 which reads, “Save your people and bless Your inheritance; Be their shepherd also, and carry them forever.” And I thought about what it would be like for God to carry me forever, and my first thought was, “well I wouldn’t want him to carry me forever, eventually I’d want to be able to get up and walk around by myself!” And I realized, jeez, that thing that Paul Tripp says about us wanting to get away from needing God’s grace, and wanting to be able to stand before him without needing it, that is really really true of me.
I don’t even realize it mostly, I think I let myself be okay with being “under construction” now, but that eventually, whether it’s in heaven or whenever, I want to be “completed,” and be able to stand before God and say, “okay, I’m done!” and maybe even say “I did it!” and be free of needing him! Is independence so deeply rooted in me that I don’t want to be carried forever by the one who loves me? That at some level I want to be an equal with him, and be able to walk beside him as a peer? Am I such a glory thief that I want God not to make me a better worshipper of him, but to make me equal to him? I shudder a little at that thought, but it is probably more true than I realize. Talk about “save your people,” – save me from my raging self-love and pull me back onto the narrow path that leads to your heart, and to your glory.
Julia
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